Book of Poems
I
Am
Vilomah
I died the day that you left me
A part of my soul vanished when it happened
It ripped it self out of my body
With no regard to my self or my state
The lingering aftermath of sorrow and grief
Still haunts me
Still wraps around me like a cocoon
I try and bring up the courage to visit you
But the thought of seeing you
You do not belong there,
It is against the natural order
Yet there you are
Forever still
Forever motionless
I still have the memories we had
I can still hear your laughter, I still see your smile
But the wrath of guilt sweeps over me
I cannot laugh
I cannot smile
I used to be called by a different name
The name of millions
It was known all over the world,
It meant to protect, to be strong, to be caring
I have a new identity now, it consumes me
I will have it to the day I die
I am Vilomah
The
Monster
I try and usher my brother to the bedroom
I cannot witness him seeing the horrors that are unfolding
I tuck him into his fortress of pillows and teddies
He has to keep his childhood just a little while longer
I close the bedroom door as the nightmare begins
We hear screams downstairs
It’s okay my brother, don’t cry
We hear shouting downstairs
It’s okay my brother, we are fine
We hear the banging of furniture
It’s okay my brother, we are safe
The monster under the bed cannot hurt us
I try and keep my composure as my brother looks up at me
I gently rock him and hold him until his eyes fall heavy
I tuck my brother in as I hear the scene getting louder from downstairs
I gently walk across the dark room and begin to open the door
The darkness of the corridor, the coldness of the floor on my feet
I hear screams downstairs
It’s okay I say, don’t cry
I hear shouting downstairs
It’s okay I say, I am fine
I hear the banging of furniture
It’s okay I say, I am safe
The monster under the bed cannot hurt me
I use all my courage to step forward into the darkness
I need to find my mum, I need her warmth, her touch
I take my first step down the stairs, I am scared, I am afraid
I do not know what is going to happen, but I know I need to find out
I am frozen, I cannot move, the monster under the bed is here
I hear screams
I do not know what to do
I hear shouting
It is not okay, I am not fine
I hear the banging of furniture
It is not okay, I am not safe
The monster under the bed is going to hurt me
My mum is standing in front of him, she is defeated, abused
The monster towers above her, his features; ugly, his menace; petrifying
I do not know what to do, I am frozen to the spot, afraid at what is going to happen
I begin to cry, my tears running down my cheeks, my mum turns around, her eyes lock onto mine
She begins to stand tall, her face turns solemn, her eyes as dark as oak. She strikes the monster down,
Strikes it with all her might, it begins to fall, fall to the ground.
My mum rushes to me and envelops me in her body
We hear screams all around us
It is okay my son, don’t cry
We hear shouting all round us
It’s okay my son, we are fine
We hear the banging of furniture
It’s okay my son, we are safe
The monster under the bed cannot hurt you
The
Potting
Shed
Come join me down to the potting shed
Where through the door lies an unexplored world
Waiting to be conquered, by two young boys
What will the adventure be this time?
What story will unfold?
Come join me down to the potting shed
Its outside is made of rotting wood, and died Ivy
The windows are caked with dried mud and dead bugs
But inside is a whole different story
What will happen when we peer in?
What story will unfold?
Come join me down to the potting shed
As we enter the unexpected unknown
We see the two boys have beaten us to it
Their eyes alight with fascination
Swinging their swords towards the enemy
The story is about to unfold!
Come join me down to the potting shed
Where we are in mid fight with a demigog
The boys turn to us in admiration
We are in their world now, this is their fight
We stare in awe as they defeat the foe
The story is being told!
Come join me down to the potting shed
Where we are celebrating the victory
The defeat of the mighty beast has been slain
The two boys look at us, half feral, half surreal
Without talking they look at us, they know we do not belong
We step outside of the potting shed, it’s their turn now
The story has been written for us.
For them it is just beginning
Come join me down to the potting shed
Where dreams are written
Where stories are told
Come join me down to the potting shed
One last time before we go
In the night I pray
In the night I pray
To lay down with the stars
To clutch the one I love
And drift away in our arms
In the night I wake
To think of all the sins
The past won’t stay down
They haunt me In my dreams
In the night I ponder
With all the things Ive said
Have I done enough I wonder
To redeem myself at last
In the night I dream
That the future will be bright
To think of all the possibilities
If only I act with might
In the morning I fall
In the depths of desperation
To make sure my head is right
I can no longer stand to reason
In the head of one
Becomes the face of two
All I can do now
Is pray to be with you
Today is the day
I wake up saddened by the day ahead
I fear that my brain has become misled
I try and think positive thoughts while I shower
Instead I crack under the pressure and cower
I feel like I do not deserve to be here
That all I need to do is disappear
Why do I always feel this way I wonder
Is it the times I have made such a blunder?
I do not have the strength to get dressed
I’m just going to lie here and get stressed
What am I going to say to my boss?
How much will this little episode cost?
I look at myself staring at the mirror
I see a person that Is just not a winner
I am just about to give up on all hope
But maybe today Is the day I can cope
I push myself to begin the trek for work
I see all my friends and I begin to smirk
When ever you feel a little depressed
Always start off with getting yourself dressed
The butterfly
The butterfly emerges from its cocoon
All magnificent and new
It spreads its newly formed wings
And proceeds to fly high
Higher than it has ever done before
It pauses in mid air, ponders its very existence
And with one mighty thrust
It flaps its wings and dives down
The sailor awakes suddenly from his slumber
The gentle rocking has now turned dark
He gathers his armour and goes on deck
To find the sea has come alive
He must battle with his deadly foe
To make sure he survives the night
He senses a change in the wind
This night is about to get a lot worse
He fears
Anarchy has fallen upon a quiet village
Its situation next to the water
The wind has chosen it’s next target
For the hurricane has come from the sea
It is hungry for action and will not stop
It collides with the small village
Destruction and chaos in its wake
In the middle of all the chaos
Harbours a little patch of grass
In the middle is a small flower
The Butterfly is atop, resting
All magnificent and new
It ponders its very existence
And with one mighty thrust
It flaps its wings and flies away
You
are not
alone
I laugh, laugh as hard as I can to the face in front of me
My eyes start to cry and my stomach aches in pain
All I feel is the warmth of companionship, belonging
I feel no pain, as if all the worries and cares are no longer mine
This feeling will not last, I can feel the sudden realisation
My mind is trying to claw back at me, to bring me back to reality
And then it succeeds, and I feel the familiar sense of
Emptiness
I no longer cheer, I no longer cry from happiness
My stomach pains are no longer the result from laughing
They are a reminder that I cannot be happy
I cannot be who this face wants me to be
The face in front of me is confused
I retreat back in to myself, I do not want them to see
They would not understand how I feel
My feeling of
Emptiness
I turn around, I do not want to see them but I still hear their voices
They plead me to come back, to join them in song
They do not know what this is like, this feeling of sadness
My mind races through all the things I have done
All the regret and anger I have, all the mistakes I have made
I slowly turn in, regress into myself, this is my safe space, my
Emptiness
It is dark, all I see and hear are my own thoughts, my own mind
It is all I have known, all I know, no one can hurt me here in my
…
I feel something different, I feel warmth, where can it be coming from?
I try and carefully locate this strange feeling, I can feel it outside
I gradually allow myself back into the world, and there it is
A hand on my shoulder, the warmth of the touch on my body
I turn around, the face looks at me, not in confusion, not laughing at me
But smiling, I do not know how to react, I do not know what to do
And then the words spoken to me fill me with comfort
the words that sooth an aching heart.
You are not empty
You are not alone
You are not what you think you are
You deserve love
The love I can give, give me your hand and I will help
Help you with your past, help you with you troubles
You are not empty
You are not alone
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